The Vision Seeks a New Redhead

Editor's Note:  Sean McQuaid sent me this-- it developed out of
an email conversation among him, Scott Harris, Mark Bousquet,
and some other Avengers fans, who were discussing the Vision's
decision not to challenge Wanda's apparent love for Simon Williams
(Wonder Man).  Enjoy!  --Van Plexico

Sean writes:
[This spun out of some stuff Mark and I were saying about the Wanda
triangle...]

Biscuit:
Scott Harris was right - as he almost always is. It's time for Vision to
move on. Vizh likes redheads, right? Hey, this is Marvel. There's an
intelligent and gorgeous redhead around every corner. No need to settle.

Sean:
True enough. Vizh could place an appropriate ad in the personals and
just watch the redheads roll in. Of course, he'd personally interview them
all to determine their suitability...

vvvvvvvvv

Andromeda:
So you're on your second body? Me too! The Dragon of the Moon destroyed
my original, but I...

Vision:
You are Atlantean?

Andromeda:
Yes, I...

Vision:
Prolonged underwater operations would be detrimental to my system
functions.
Most notably, existence at lower depths would impair my photosynthetic
power absorption.

Andromeda:
Typical male...no stamina.

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvvv

Artemis:
I am an Olympian warrior goddess sworn to embrace men only in battle.
[Pause.] The last male who stared at me in this brazen fashion was torn to
pieces.

Vision:
I have been reduced to my component parts once before and would not care
to repeat the experience.

Artemis [nocks an arrow]:
Are you mocking me, false man?

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Black Widow:
Trust me, Vision, it's not a good idea. I chew men up and spit them out.

Vision:
My epidermis is sufficiently durable to withstand dental penetration.

Black Widow [slapping Vizh]:
Pig!

Vision [after a confused pause]:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Bethany Cabe:
Tony always spoke highly of you, but I don't know if it would be a good
idea
for me to pursue a relationship with one of his colleagues.

Vision:
My wife is dating my brother, and I work alongside both of them amicably.

Bethany Cabe:
You're a very sad, lonely man, aren't you?

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Crystal:
I've always liked you, Vision. If Dane hadn't come along...

Vision:
Crystal, you are married to my brother-in-law Pietro. While I admit to a
reciprocal fascination, an alliance between us would be undesirably
complicated.

Crystal [pouting]:
You're still built like a Ken doll, aren't you?

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Dazzler [singing]:
Neeeeeeeeeearrrrrrrrrrr, Faaaaaaaarrrrr, WhereEVER you arrrrrrre......

Vision:
Thank you, Ms. Blaire.

Dazzler [lower lip quivering]:
But...but you haven't heard my Mariah Carey medley yet!

Vision:
My heart will go on. Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Firestar:
Lay one holographic hand on me and the Maria Stark Foundation will be
paying
my way through college.

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Grapplers:
Pile on, girls!

Vision:
Battleaxe...Cowgirl...Gladiatrix...Vavavoom...despite what Hawkeye may have
told you, I did not order a "Grappler-Gram." I am simply interviewing
redhaired females in search of a suitable...

Cowgirl [roping Vizh with her lariat]:
Ah'm as red as the next gal, Vizhie-kins. An' ah'll rahd yew intuh th'
sunset if'n yew'll let me...

Vision [trembling slightly]:
Nuh...nuh...next.

vvvvvvvvv

Hellcat:
You're a sweet guy, Vizh, but it just wouldn't work out.

Vision:
Consider carefully, Patsy. You do not wish to reach a conclusion in haste.

Hellcat:
It's nothing personal...after two disastrous marriages and a pseudo-death,
I'm through with romance for now. It's different for you...you've only
suffered through *one* disastrous marriage and a pseudo-death.

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Jean Grey:
So sometimes I just get tired of my husband's "intense, brooding loner with
weird solar-powered energy-blasting eyes" routine, you know?

Vision [disgusted]:
So...you have sought *me* out instead of betraying him with his brother and
teammate while he watches in silent, impotent rage?

Jean Grey [bewildered]:
But Havok and I never--

Vision:
Next!

vvvvvvvvv

Medusa:
So I say to Black Bolt, no WAY is all that cloggage in the drain mine, and
he says...

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Princess Python:
Remember me, Vision darling? We met at Yellowjacket & The Wasp's wedding.

Vision:
You were in the cake?

Princess Python:
No, that was my snake.

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Satana:
My father is Satan, lord of lies and prince of darkness.

Vision:
My creator is Ultron, enemy of the Avengers and scourge of organic life.

Satana:
And you believe a mingling of our bloodlines would be desirable...?

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Shamrock:
Do ya feel lucky, laddie?

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Shanna The She-Devil:
So I told Ka-Zar he could stick his sabretooth tiger up his...excuse me,
but are you staring at my chest?

Vision:
I...I was simply curious as to which breed of cat furnished the animal skin
that makes up your garment.

Shanna:
Leopard. It was "simply curious", too. So I told Ka-Zar that...Vision?
Hey, I'm up here!

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Siryn:
...an' I enjoy a pint o' Guiness as much as the next lass. D'you drink?

Vision:
My body incorporates a variety of circulatory fluids, but I do not ingest
them orally; however, I am capable of imbibing when social situations call
for it. Can you tell me anything about your background?

Siryn:
I'm the European mutant daughter of a mutant father whose identity was
unknown to me until recent years, and I started out on the wrong side of
the law before becoming an a superheroine.

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Skylark:
Your brain was fried? Mine too!

Vision:
Well, there was no frying per se. My personality parameters were erased,
but they have since regenerated to some extent. And you?

Skylark:
I'm mentally programmed to love a dead archer.

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Spider-Woman:
I know what it's like to go through a messy marital breakup, Vizh. But at
least I've still got my daughter, Rachel--and I'm sure you and she would
get along fine.

Vision:
Indeed?

Spider-Woman:
Absolutely. She's much better with computers than I am, and at home she's
the only one who can program the VCR--

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Thundra [twisting chain around Vision's throat]:
If you would have me, plastic man, you must first best me in mortal combat!

Vision:
Nuh...*gasp*...next.

vvvvvvvvv

Tigra:
It's not that I'm not intrigued, Vizh, but since I've dated Hank *and*
Simon
it'd be sort of like romancing the grandson of an old boyfriend who happens
to be the brother of another old boyfriend. Not to mention all of us being
teammates and everything. Too much weird baggage, y'know?

Vision:
I understand. Would that certain mutant trollops were similarly
discriminating...

Tigra:
Excuse me?

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Mary Jane Watson-Parker:
Your babies disappeared? Mine too!

Vision:
Next.

vvvvvvvvv

Vision [brooding]:
The supermodel was the last on the list, and not one suitable replacement
among them; however, my programming is adaptable. Time for Plan B.

[Amphibian, Atlas, Banshee, Johnny Blaze, Daredevil, D-Man, Dum-Dum Dugan,
Frog-Man, Henry Peter Gyrich, Haywire, Hyperion, Michael O'Brien, Overmind,
Rawhide Kid, R.U. Reddy, Sibercat, Sprite, Starfox, Texas Twister,
Flash Thompson and Vanguard enter, looking confused and uneasy.]

Vision:
I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here today...

-Sean